EMILIE'S SHANGRI-LA

a_reminiscence @ 2007-05-09T06:38:00

2007-05-09T06:03:54Z

Holding our ears up
To these empty shells
And putting our hopes
Into hearing the sea.
Cradled in my hand
These harlequin answers
You swallow with water
To delay disease.

I have been up since half 4. It's two days til my first of two exams. I have done no revision. We get through an eight every two days. The new house is too full of interesting people and interesting things to do. It's made me realise that even once i've got my degree (*if all goes to plan, fingers crossed etc*) i dont care about having some amazing job. I'm gonna do uni to learn, not just the stuff off my course but about life and experience stuff, and then i'm going to find a job in a shop for during the day and a job in the pub for evenings and it's going to be awesome.
Last week we had a fight, i left and went to campus on my own in an attempt to find the may day/rachel's birthday pagan soc. party. I did not find it. I did however arrive at the pub with no money and then found myself at the home in the garden having just carried a 'liberal democrats winning here' sign and a long post and a green council bin.
We've been living together for three months and it's still bitching!!! :)
Chapelfields tonight. Gonna go for a burn, chill with the other spinner and hopefully not get started on by chavs who rile me up so much that i pick up an empty bottle and then have t wrestle some tonk 16year old boy to get it back before he belted me with it. makes for an amusing memory though.
Lasted about 10 hours (6 or which i was asleep) after we decided to give up alcohol for a week. Knowing i cant have it makes me want it so much more. Than again, isn't it always the way?!?! However, giving up chemicals has been going really well. I barely even think about them. Just ganj and shrooms, ganj and shrooms.
My beautiful new baby hamster, M-J (short for guess what!!!) is the tits. She climbs all over her cage and just chucks herself off stuff. She's fucking awesome. And she likes sitting in my pocket which (i'm sure i'm alone in feeling) is really cool.
It is now 6:38 . I have been listening to radio 4 for about an hour now and i've heard a debate about the conditions and wellbeing of chicken on farms, listening to their intellectual and pseudo-amusing remarks on politics (bless the beeb for trying to be humerous. lol), heard an interview with a welsh farmer (i did not sit in the kitchen on my own repeating words out loud in an attempt to be able to do a good welsh accent by the time my housemates and the hotty in my room wake up.
Getting evicted is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I now live in a huge room with an ensuite that i share with my baby, there's jim downstairs, becka, nicky and helen (whose boyf practically lives here) and me and sy on the middle floor, pat and panda (who practically lives here too) and paul on the top floor. we all toke. we have sofas in our garden. we have certain foliage being grown in our attic, we have our own non-laun-fucking-drette washing machine...it's the sickest thing in the world.
i think i'm a little hysterical. Lack of sleep perhaps.
He interrupted a dream where i was trying to steal this tin of chopped tomatoes that, for some reason, was about 5 times the size of me.

(happy) hardcore til i die.

2007-04-03T10:51:11Z

To wake and find you still lain there
Embalmed in yellow morning light,
I rise up from your naked chest,
Closing the curtains, feigning light.
I turn and gaze upon your eyes,
Lids flutter in the grip of sleep
And laying my hand on your heart,
Bestow to you my soul to keep.

Tranz-Mission on saturday...i think im gonna cum. It's going to be sick. Mmm...pills and speed, that'll keep me going from 8pm til 6am.

Gonna get extensions and dreads in a couple of weeks. buff and zoom.

Now i've got my vert labret done:
(15 piercings and 2 tattoos all told) im saving for two more tattoos and venoms which are going to look sick. That will bring it to 17 and 4. Sweet. 21 mods...cant argue with that.

I miss brean. I still love her and hate that she's practically cut me out of her life. I guess i deserve it though. SAVAGE.
Got a new house to move into, fucking eviction has put a right spanner in my easter holiday plans.

life update

2007-03-03T19:43:26Z

so, life is crazy. it's official.

* kd dying made me feel really fucked up. at 17 and with so much going for him is seems so unjust, i still cant really get my head around it. how can that be fair or even justified? i never used to think there was a god and now i know there isnt. at the spot where he died everyone has put cans of beer and packets of cigarettes, all full. sounds dumb but i think that is the nicest thing that could have been done for him, that and the rave his parents organised for after the funeral.

* me and brean...fuck. never saw that one coming. we lasted almost six months and it was so much fun and i loved her and for ages things just seemed to work, but the long distance thing was just too difficult and too unbearable. i woke up one morning and i realised she just wasnt part of my life anymore and i think that might just have been once of the saddest things i have ever had to deal with.

* eviction...ahem...yeah. Me, sy, erin, ben and 'phoar' tor got fucked, naked and set off a fire extinguisher at sy's old flat in suffolk terrace (there are videos, pictures and now a 'naked apreciation society' that sprung from the whole ordeal.). sy's dick head flat mates (i want to cut off all their heads and rape the open wounds) called security. long and short of it, i had a meeteing with the uni's seniour disceplinary officer and i'm getting fined £75 for setting off the extinguisher, £15 for causing a nuisance (what the fuck?!?!?! just cos the security guard found it difficult to talk to me while i was asking him what he thought of my nipple piercings) and IM GETTING EVICTED. D-day is 28th of march...where in hell am i going to live!?!?!?! SHIT.

* anymawho, there is a beautiful boy asleep on my bed. never saw that once coming! the one guy in all the world i could ever love or be attracted to and i get to have sex with him like 20 times a day. i would say 'he's the only good thing ive got going' but ihe's the only thing i need and that look he gives me and the goosebumps i get when he tells me he loves me by drawing a heart on my neck with his finger.

a_reminiscence @ 2006-12-01T00:01:00

2006-11-30T23:01:36Z

so, i got bored, i was desperate to do anything other than my work, dunno if my hawk is thick enough for it to look good though. i need to get the sides trimmed that's for sure. thinking of dying the tips of my hawk and my fringe bright purple. dunno though. something has to happen to it soon because i cant see in the new year with it looking like that!

'the ketamine kids' is coming along nicely. there are the beginnings of a vaguely structured chronology of events, with a somewhat insightful first person narrative that is (currently) consistant throughout.
brean is coming tomorrow. i can't sleep. she hasnt seen the second tattoo in the flesh (as it were) yet so that should be interesting.
gonna buy some new tapers and tunnels for my ears now that my money has fucking finally come through, and some new socks so i can so more impressive poi shiznay.

a_reminiscence @ 2006-11-24T19:42:00

2006-11-24T18:42:07Z

so, stuff that's happened to me recently.
um..i met pendulum last wednesday, got another tattoo on friday, joined circus society on sunday and am now becoming a poi master.
everyone should go and see pendulum live. seen them twice in the space of a month. fucking safe.
met several dealers at uni (one 2 flats away who likes my hair and ticks me shit, fucking safe.)
s'all about red bar, fuck you non-smokers.
it's also all about going to the square after closing time and doing fire poi, watching si do fire staff and countless currently nameless hippy circus members do things like diabolo. mmm.
i have spent all my money. base.
will and i have a routine, one bottle of jacob's creek shiraz cabernet a night keeps the doctor away. do it.
i advise everyone to stay far away from 'the tunnel' by william h gass, it's absolute gash. nazi sympathising, misogynistic bullshit.
i'm stretching my ears, thats kind of a new and painful thing. s'buff though.
i never get ID'd now which is safe, though im sure i still look about 12.
some girls in the pub said that due to my appearance they thought i might beat them up. i laughed in their faces. i dont think that helped. it was only because it seemed to absolutely absurd.
its also all about the lgbt events. i have come to conclude that i might not be as ugly as i first thought...still not pretty but not THAT ugly.
all traces of the old me are gone. new music, new hair, new image, new girlfriend (relatively), new place, new friends, newly discovered alcoholism, new attitude and beliefs...ah! this post-existential crisis bliss.

mdma saves the soul. peace out.

a_reminiscence @ 2006-09-10T12:12:00

2006-09-10T11:12:51Z

where the fuck did my life go? and when the fuck did all this happen?

come-down

2006-07-25T18:26:41Z

I havent slept in three days, i feel like i'm about to keel over and die and i miss her something awful.
But...I have never been so content in my life.
Sara's 18th yesterday was fucking mad, with about six of us squished around the edge of the bath (Skipsy's and Egg's respectively) dangling out feet in having a spliff while everyone else seemed to be running round on jokes missions.
Was definately memorable, partially because everyone seemed to be topless by about 3 in the morning at which point we didnt even know how young the night was!...the joys of not sleeping on pills.
Egg looked so hot in her little bro's action man outfit, i swear that girls actually looks like a playboy bunny.
Brean's gone away...savage...she left me Vagas though. <3. She sounds so buff on the radio, makes me feel really proud.
We went on a 'family' outing at some rediculous hour this morning, simon, sophie, sara and me gerning in the morning and there was mist over everything and no people and it was awsome.
My jaw is killing like a bitch.
Womad on Thursday...that's like 2 days away! I need to sort stuff out.
If i do my mohican before i go and used like half a can and bring the rest with me...it might stay up all weekend right? probably not...but i'll try. Lost the bleach so cant dye it for festival...savage.
Safe that i'm not like uber fat anymore, people yesterday said i looked really nice...syvia needs to stop staring at me, given the 'family' always look out for me and multiple thank you's for the multiple diversions and escapes made through out the evening. Hehe, bless simon coming over all protective. Loves you guys.
Thursday til monday is going to be heaven. Found out Anoushka Shankar is doing a set...nice!
No bed is going to be a bit base but totally bearable!
I've started getting fucking nose bleeds again and really bad head aches after i do lines. it's kinda worrying. it's not like i can go see a doctor though. savage.
Tongue piercing moved til 15th august but i'm thinking it would be better to get it done now, while she's on holiday so it will be healed when she gets back. i dunno.
I love that i can use up so much space without even saying anything of real worth.
I've been writing again recently, Harper Lee brought it out of me. 1984 is becoming a grind just because i can see Gormenghast out of the corner of my eye and i fucking love it and want to read it again but i've still got like 50 pages left. I know its stupid because if i got down to it i could finish it today but i just can't be bothered which is awful and something i'd never have thought i would say about a book but there you go. I guesss thats the problem when you read something because you feel you ought to and not because you really want to a la Mervyn Peake.
I'm just rambling now. I need to go and sleep, preferably for about 2 days and then wake up and be all revitalised for Womad.

he was right, coffee and coke will be my downfall...pscht!

2006-07-06T08:48:45Z

"you're beautiful when the lights are out
but when you leave me room that's when you fade,
fade to bruised through black and green and blue all used.
we couldnt choose, we couldnt choose.
you followed him around, we thought you were inseperable,
and now look what you found, you're nothing but impressionable.
far be it from me to be the messenger,
you could have found out on your own.
it's not my place to judge, place blame or label you
you can do that on your own, i'm sure...
you did before."

* summer holidays fucking rock. bare gigglies and good times, bare.
* i have the bestest mates in the world and the bestest girl in the world
* we have the bestest parties...joe's is gonna be fucking tick.
* i've cut down on how many fags (hehe) and spliffs i smoke, though am as yet unsuccessful in curbing all habits.
* lauren...leavers ball...that was the best fucking night EVER! [shout out to jo for getting fucked before she even got there, that winnersh lot know how to do it in style and to tom wilson for telling me i was his favorite lesbian tortured soul...dunno about the tortured soul bit but that man is sooooo adorable]
* i no longer have to come home...ever! the constrictive ban has been lifted...officially and irrevocably. havent been home properly, properly, properly since my last exam and i fucking love it! woop.
* womad in a matter of days...well, like 2 and a half weeks. but hey.
* can't believe hayley's going to mongolia for a month, s'pretty crazy. i wish for her sake that helena liked her, it's savage, bless. * cant believe kapin got her tongue pierced on a monster whim! safe! i'm getting mine done in like a week. fuck yeah. (piercing craving combined with the feeling of becoming increasingly hardcore is driving me a bit loopy, though i'm running out of places to pierce...tattoo's in Brighton on my b'day. abi wants to take me on a gay bluc crawl...woo!)
* everything seems exciting and i have that feeling of invincibility that the beginning of the summer, good weather and 'buff ting' social events gives me.

a_reminiscence @ 2006-05-22T16:31:00

2006-05-22T15:52:50Z

who managed to flirt their way into getting their money changed from bits of metal into bits of paper....that would be me!

i feel like a master of the gay today.

the conversation went a little something like this...

woman at till (for future simplicitity, 'w.a.t.'): can i help you?
me: um, yes actually, i was wondering if you could change some money for me?
w.a.t.: i'm really sorry but we're not supposed to. dont really know why. sorry.
me: oh okay, dont worry about it. only, i went to the bank and they wouldnt do it either so do you know where i might be able to get it changed? (looking very folorn and with that begging-for-sympathy look)
w.a.t.: well, i know how annoying it is...*told me a small and uninteresting story about a similar thing happening to her at the post office in aldershot* i would love to help.
me: i know you would but i dont want to get you in trouble or anything over ten pounds. no worries. thanks anyway.*gives the impression that she is about to leave*
w.a.t.: do you know what, my manager wont even know.
me: i really dont want to get you in trouble, really. it's fine.
w.a.t.:it's okay, honestly.
me:well, thanks, that's really nice *leaning perhaps a little inappropriately against the counter*

post money counting...
w.a.t.:there you go.
me:thank you so much. that was really nice, and very sneaky *maybe sporting the gay naughty face at the time...maybe not!*
w.a.t.: its totally fine, dont worry about it. if you need any more then bring it by and i'll change it for you.

woop woop for flirting with cashiers to get what you want!
*felt somewhat more attractive than usual at the time*
i got another coke chucked at me today by the chavs cos of my hair. it's kinda funny.
so many people (inluding myself) like it that i dont really care anymore.
ho hum.
bizarre day.
i have the shakes again.
i bumped into lauren which was good. i have friday's speech all planned out. it's not so much a speech as a hurried, inarticulate confession after which i imagine myself fleeing from the room and perhaps even as far as cambodia.
i know friday is 'flim day' but i didnt think it would come this fast.
talking of coming fast and by the by...ten minutes is not my idea of sex!
flim confessions...ah! the joy. the Flim List so far consists of lauren, abi, becky (who i intend to tell face to face this time), robyn and lorna. i think that will leave enough traumatised straight girls by friday afternoon for me to consider it a most productive day.

summary thus far, post-gramme confessions

2006-05-17T18:16:35Z

i feel like the very epitome of a confuzzled teenager and i don't like it.
s'peculiar.
i feel emotionally vulnerable because i finally let myself really feel and now i just feel weak and pathetic.
i left myself emotionally exposed and now i don't really know what to do.
i have decided i don't like it when people know what i'm thinking or feeling because it makes me feel like they will use it to hurt me. i have little faith in people it seems.
i feel very alone again. is that an emo thing to say? fuck it.
i do too many drugs. i can feel my mental agility more and more closely resembling an arthritic old man trying to do fancy gymnastics.
i fuck the wrong people too much. preocupying myself with the physical lets me fool myself into thinking i dont emotionally need other people.
i want to get my tattoo soon. i think the pain might stop me feeling sorry for myself.
lots of things remind me of her and i dont think i like it. maybe i should just disconnect myself completely before i get any more involved and go back to 'that' emotional place and find myself there very much alone...as would unfortunately inevitably happen and is looming around the corner.
i want an oscar. bosie isn't complete without oscar, everyone knows this.
i am a petulant child who just wants someone to take care of her. i just want someone to love me. what can i say, i like to preocupy my dreams with the impossible.
i want to move out of this house and away from these people. they are not like me and they tell me they don't want to understand me because i'm not emotionally happy and i will drag them down.
they still tell me i'm fat and i thought i was getting a lot better. i need to lose another stone.
i dont like feeling in control, maybe thats why i do things.
i need to stop being so melodramatic.
i need to stop bothering people with my problems...hence recent 'livejournalism'.
arms are too bait, hips are too awkward, stomach works.

a_reminiscence @ 2006-04-27T18:14:00

2006-04-27T17:22:54Z

With one eye closed
I can see your silhouette(sp?),
Just like the one i was before.
When i came home from school
And let my mind drift on to thoughts of you,
I thought i saw it on the floor.
*
In every breeze
I smell the perfume of your breath,
In every fleeting glance you're there.
Your finger on my pulse,
The other holds a rose...
Sways with the wind that moves your hair.

things with teeth

2006-04-26T17:42:07Z

I'd like to keep you locked away from the world.
In a box in my basement, you'd forever be my little girl
And i would keep you there,
And i wouldn't let you go.
I'd dress you up in frills
And i'd put you out on show.
When the rocks under your feet
Turn into things with teeth...
That's a sign to go!
When the sky tears in two
And the finger points at you,
And you've got nothing to show
for it...

You can read back the rules of time
And they'd still say what i maintain: that you're mine!
Like Brody says "the gallow is god"
And those goldfish are misunderstood
That's what they'd say.

a_reminiscence @ 2006-03-26T12:14:00

2006-03-26T11:36:53Z

tomorrow is 'Hair D-Day'. despite sara, kapin and a small hanful of others...i'm gonna do it. fuck people for trying to keep me the same when i crave change this much. i would love to look in the mirror and not recognise myself, to be forced to rediscover myself all over again and to find interest in stuff, i'm just so goddamn bored of myself these days...hence the nipple piercings i suppose.

i told her what i thought and she was entirely civil and painfully lovely about it and said i was 'sweet', i suppose it's better than her hating me. this is getting rediculous, and now robyn. fook. i need to sort my life out. starting with my hair.

the hawk will look like this (...ish)

and my fringe will look like this (...once again, ish!), it won't be as big cos i want the hawk to start relatively far forward

i know i've hurt people recently. i'm trying to change.

SELF-OBSESSED RAMBLE (perhaps if i acknowledge it as so then it can't be misconstrued): i have been wallowing in a pit of self-obsessed wastedness for over a month. i feel bad but at the same time i don't. i know i should have some kind of urge to give up but i don't. everyday, without fail. i realise it's a problem but i dont think it's bad enough for people to tell my teachers and to talk about it behind my back. i just want to be left alone. if i fuck myself up then i fuck myself up and it's my job to learn from it, get over it and move on. people telling me what to do and who to be are the ones who daily reduce my desire not to be a 'pot-smoking potential life failure' as it was so nicely phrased on friday. people actually like me now, they actually want to spend time with me and tell me so and i dont want to give that up. it's selfish but i don't profess to being any kind of philanthropist.

my memory is getting worse, as is my vocabulary and my sense of urgency. i have no desire to be liked by anyone other than my friends, something i would never have thought possible several months ago, i have no particular desire to particularly excel at anything anymore, ive given up. i'm sick and tired of hassle people. there are people i never see anymore who i know i should see (especially cos theyre around college) but can't be bothered. once again, they will come running - a whole herd of them - when they decide it's time to gang up on me for my life choices.

and yes i am going to spend to day as i have done every other, stoned and doing philosophy.

a_reminiscence @ 2006-03-17T15:46:00

2006-03-17T15:48:40Z

Bluetits and Mylo...it's spring!

i.adore.her.
she.just.sat.there.
i.cant.think.of.anything.more.beaufitul.
fuck.

a_reminiscence @ 2006-01-23T22:17:00

2006-01-23T22:18:06Z

Come and check out Ultraviolets (the band i drum for) playing the Camden Barfly on the 1st of Feb. it should be tick.
xx

a_reminiscence @ 2005-12-08T12:16:00

2005-12-08T12:34:47Z

escapism is becoming far, far too attractive to her. she loves being able to slip away, it's like momentarily shedding your skin and falling into another world; you can plummet through all this stuff that feels so good because all this mess you crate gets left behind. everything still looks the same but it feels different. people keep telling her she doesn't smile much anymore, they think it's because she's becoming an emo-styleeeeee life cynic. she just doesn't want to be there, is all. she wants to fade away into the world where she likes herself and where things are simple because she lets them be. she just needs to keep reminding herself that complications are not a predicate of life. ishe doesn't need problems ithat she creates to validate her feeling of being alive. she needs to find less tempting those clawing, skeletal hands that wish to transport her to a place she would rather be but should not go.

let's see any late 80's acid house party top that!

2005-12-07T15:41:14Z

This has got to be the weirdest thing I have written yet, in that it veeeeeeeeeers so incredible far from what and the way I usually write. Why for Pete's sake, why did I have to get some Jacobean metaphysical poetry reference in there? In fact, where in my brain did that even come from?

In Donne's flea, we are all one. The pressing flesh, the mingled sweat, the camaraderie of music and the pounding bass lines that restart your heart with every beat. All awash with prelapsarian joy, lose themselves in their musical Albion as you feel control slip away. The brief seconds when you realise you are dancing in your own bubble and then you revel in it, sinking into the music and between the beats. You are consumed by a visceral ecstasy, more basic than hunger and more primal than sex. Something universal and undeniable. You have stepped into the void, that vast chasm of uncontrollable mental nothingness, where you fall through the miasma of the palpable, viscous atmosphere. Enveloped. Engulfed. Submerged. The songs begin and end and run together in a melodious sensory overload. Nothing can at get you, it's the one place you can let loose, dissolve into a homogenous mass of mingled heart beats and raised hands. In the dimmer lighting, during the intros, glow sticks appear from no where making a sea of semi-neon light. A beautiful bioluminescence in a sea of rave.

deck the halls with bows of cynicism

2005-12-04T16:29:33Z

i'm no feeling the whole christams thing. for the first time in my life i've seen it's religious roots and materialistic surface and im not best pleased. i dont even really want to honour christmas in any way this year. i want to be with my faimly, yes, but i dont want the feigned look of happiness as a relative opens a present and realises it's not what they wanted: they don't care that it's the thought that counts...just that it's not the newest shade of eye shadow by Benefit...as they had hoped. damnnit it all.

a_reminiscence @ 2005-12-02T18:24:00

2005-12-02T18:28:31Z

it's not that she can't, she just doesn't want this any more. she doesn't want her life to be like this. she doesn't want to be around all these people and she's sick and tired of coming up short of what people wish. she doesn't like her imperfections but she likes that fact that she's (very, very) imperfect. she desires so deeply to be a snowflake, unique and temporal. to come and go in the pristine and sanitary whiteness of a stark winter, to fall with all the grace in the world, to land with elegance and to melt into nothing with a desire for it never to end.

mmm...feeling the balance. i think i get it!

2005-12-01T20:16:33Z

two takes on one photograph. it's funny how when you start thinking something your brain can just carry on and on and, before you know it, you are in some previously unexplored realm of your own imagination. i love discovering stuff in my head that i didn't know was there.

I

The misty idyllicism of a lake at dawn, the way shadows of reeds at the waters edge stretch long and thin beneath the fragile willow fronds. A veranda trails out into the water, the elegantly crafted trellis-work of the hand rail seeming like a pathway to a dream.
A careful ear can hear waking birds as a careful eye watches a burning sun rise and bathe everything a tint of rose.
The door of the tree house creaked slightly, resting heavy on its hinges and, with blinds half drawn across it, looking half asleep. Drawing the thin blanket up around her shoulders, she sits unmoving and unthinking. For the first time in her life, allowing herself to dive into and be drowned with emotion, with bliss, with an intense and aching contentment. A hazy dawn begins another day, throws the sun into the sky and paints across it happy watercolour clouds.
The crisp, chill and scentless air swam like some waterfall: in, around and through everything. Crickets chirruped with more joy, butterflies – splashed with colour – never seemed to have before beheld such gaiety. Lithe carp melted through clusters of pond flowers, their scales catching the rays of light that fell between their water-lily canopy.

II

Like a garden full of reluctant petals, only half glorified by sun beams that they refuse to embrace, only half concealed in a shadow they refuse to relinquish. The sprawling tendrils of element up-rooted old trees, each laced with vulcherous cobwebs of ivy, each being choked by a unique pattern.
The dark waters swam into mires of moss and insects, a rank border. Dark grass spread like a mouldy carpet, moist and with the weighty scent of decay hovering above it.
Somewhere in the dense canopy of leaves, an owl screeches, sending an ominous and unanswered warning into the dark sky: a lightning bolt of sound in the thick, black air of silence.

mmm...feminine fingers, cigarettes and reveries

2005-11-29T09:28:44Z

I have noticed that an awful lot of my boys that I write about have long, feminine hands...I always swore I wouldnt transpose elements of my ideal people on those I write about. I wanted them to be flawed and human (unless they were my vampires of course). hmmmm. I need to start writing about more flawed people again, i'm not sure I like the way they are beginning to sound too perfect.

There were tiny blue-green veins visible on his hands, his long feminine fingers not coping well with the winter climate. From beneath his hat you could see that his eyes were bloodshot, this boy had not slept in days. He stood with an awkward stance, propping himself up against the doorway of the closed taxi rank with an odd balance and a posture, coupled with the fact that he was the picture of frailty and fragility, that made him look as if the breeze was about to blow him over. With every drag from his cigarette his eyes became more and more forlorn, as he got lost further and further in the jungle of his own thoughts and as light began to fade in the dense canopy above him.
As wisps of pallid smoke wound out of his mouth and nose and were carried off on the wind, that same wind was carrying his thoughts further and further away from reality and into the world of his subconscious, the place he dared never to venture for fear of getting lost and scared or both. From across the road someone who had once known him recognised his face, called out a ‘Hello!’ but soon vanished when their acknowledgment was ignored. The voices and faces that passed him by were registered by his eyes but not his brain. These so disliked reveries came upon him at odd moments and took command of his every faculty beyond any control of his.
His cigarette had died in between his fingers, reaching the butt and burning his fingers a little long before he noticed. It was only trying fruitlessly to drag deeply on the butt that he realised it was time to get out another. His fingers seemed stiff and uncooperative as he fumbled with the top of the B&H packet. He figured this would be as good a time as any to smoke his lucky cigarette.
Once again feeling the sweet burn and bitter sweet taste of nicotine, he leant his head back against the doorway and was immediately enveloped in deep, painful, unwanted thought.
He felt belittled amongst the impending landscape, the hills of his insecurity, the valleys of doubt, boulders of isolation and regret dotted about the fields of his self-perception. He walked along the only path there was, looking previously untrodden, each of his footprints told him of his ever-continuing journey to destination he did not know.
There were broken leaves under his shoes, broken leaves still hanging from the trees, masking those still alive from sunlight and depriving them of life. There were vines twisting about tree trunks that looked like choking hands, hands about the neck of innocence blocking its air and blemishing its pristine skin.

the poison of asps and dragons...apparently!

2005-11-24T12:17:57Z

I don't know why I always seem to have smatterings of greek and roman mythology in my joint revelations (as i have come to call them) ...not so much in these, there seems to be a winged-horse theme going on, but there you go. I also have no idea as to where exactly in my brain all of this came from, which is a little scary. I feel intimidate by the shere fact that i know so little about myself.

~*~ I don’t know what’s going on any more. i keep trying to escape and i don’t know from what but i don’t want to hang around long enough to find out. i just keep running, end everyone around me is providing my brain with a continual chain of firewood to burn underneath the fires of doubt in my head and keep it aflame. they tell me i'm no use, they leave me on my own (even if not physically, i cant sit at a table with them and feel so emotionally ostracised), they make me feel like i'm the only person for whom there is no other way out, they drive me crazy...and then my mum gives me money. my eyes are still blood shot, i can hear my heart beating in my had, the music playing from the computer right in front of me sounds to me like it's coming from another room. my head keep telling me i'm high and my legs feel like they jar a little with every step, it feels like my movements are jerky but yet and at the same time like they are not my movements at all but i'm watching someone else enter my house, take off their shoes, sit on my sofa. there's an old kung-fu film on television, the movements become so fast, done with such mind-bogglingly perfect synchronicity that nothing but colour blurs to and fro across the screen. it feels like there is a strobe light behind my eyes, randomly changing the brightness of everything i look at, it's because of that strobe light that i cant focus on things. im scared of it all, the loss, the pain, the near misses, the confinement of it all. i want those wings, i would take Daedalus' wings if they could just get me a little further away, even if when they falter and the wax melts i plunge into the sun. i want not to fear, not to care, not to be me. i'm tired of this, I’m tired of what they al want. I am still waiting for Pegasus to rise from his foot hold atop the Poznan Opera House, to blaze through the sky in glaring white, a white so harsh and bright that people are left blinded for staring but a moment, and i want him to fly me away.~*~

~*~ I tried so hard to talk to people and all they ever do is tell me what I should and should not do. I’m tired of being bullied even by the people I feel closest too. I can’t stand being judged by people and to have to look in their eyes when they are left wanting when I’m never what they wanted. I hate all this faux sincerity and masquerades of kindness when all people seem to want to do is wheedle out the faults in other people and to draw attention to those faults (no matter how small or petty) to make themselves feel better. I have had enough of it all. I’m done. I’m finished. I never look at myself and see a failure but why does everybody else. There is always something about me that people try to change, people aren’t happy with, something that doesn’t suit them. I can’t do this any more, it’s all getting too hard and I don’t, can’t, won’t deal with this shit any more. Where is Pegasus when I want him? when I need him so badly that I feel like I can’t cry any more because the bile has risen so high in my throat that it’s choking me from the inside? I want it to be tomorrow, I want all of these days to move faster and faster, I chase tomorrow like a man possessed and I don’t intend to stop until I get it. I want that mythical day when everything is good and the shadows are lifted after so long that you step, blinking and aching, into the sunrise of a good day. I want this weight on my chest to be lifted, the excess weight of the concerns rooted up by my own imagination to stop. Now! I want to feel and end and a beginning. I need to feel like there was something that came before, like the first time you have sex, to remember a beginning with such fervour because it meant something, because – unlike today – things had meaning and purpose. Ex nihilo and nothing can be reduced to nothing. There are beginnings, middles and ends, which is what lives/experience/events/moments in time are all made of. For this moment in time, this gap between ticking seconds, the chasm between then and now, it used to feel right but somewhere in amongst all the then’s and the now’s and the what-was-just-a-minute-ago’s I lost what was most vital to my existence, my sense of self. Just like someone who lost their way trying to find the minotaur, trying to face their fears, and turns round to see themselves walled in by imprisoning verdure and palpable fear.~*~

blah blah blah, talking but never saying anything

2005-11-22T09:20:17Z

There were 177 entries to the X fm rock school competition, the first 5 go through to the final battle of the bands and we came 6th. The actual announcement on the radio said 'and unlucky to Ultraviolets for for only just missing out in 6th place'. DAMNNNNNNIT!!!!

a_reminiscence @ 2005-11-19T12:59:00

2005-11-19T13:06:55Z

*

Frost encases everything,
Like a shining, silver shadow.
Leaves, grass and branches,
Petals, ponds and statues.
Weeds are glorified in frost,
The ethereal mark of cold.
A semblance of Death's kiss
Which fades to glittering dew by day.
The world is whiter, purer, dead.
Nothing stirs and nothing spoils
This picturesque and deadly silence,
Lika a dawn re-birth of the world.
All is splendid and motionless.
There is no breeze to rock the swing,
None of Aeolus' voracious breath
To gasp life into the wind chime.
Looking barely even real,
A pigeon alights the stone bird-bath
And sits, dejected, upon its frozen bounty.
"Water, water everywhere but not a drop to drink."

a_reminiscence @ 2005-11-17T15:42:00

2005-11-17T15:48:09Z

please help out me and my band by voting for us (on friday the 18th of november or saturday the 19th) if you have a spare moment and enough credit on your phone. x

text

“ROCK ULTRAVIOLETS”

83XFM (83936)

you can listen to us here: www.myspace.com/ultravioletsband or check out the competition here: www.xfm.co.uk

*EMILIE'S SHANGRI-LA*