I have been up since half 4.  It's two days til my first of two exams.  I have done no revision.  We get through an eight every two days.  The new house is too full of interesting people and interesting things to do.  It's made me realise that even once i've got my degree (*if all goes to plan, fingers crossed etc*) i dont care about having some amazing job.  I'm gonna do uni to learn, not just the stuff off my course but about life and experience stuff, and then i'm going to find a job in a shop for during the day and a job in the pub for evenings and it's going to be awesome.
Last week we had a fight, i left and went to campus on my own in an attempt to find the may day/rachel's birthday pagan soc. party.  I did not find it.  I did however arrive at the pub with no money and then found myself at the home in the garden having just carried a 'liberal democrats winning here' sign and a long post and a green council bin.
We've been living together for three months and it's still bitching!!! :)
Chapelfields tonight.  Gonna go for a burn, chill with the other spinner and hopefully not get started on by chavs who rile me up so much that i pick up an empty bottle and then have t wrestle some tonk 16year old boy to get it back before he belted me with it. makes for an amusing memory though.
Lasted about 10 hours (6 or which i was asleep) after we decided to give up alcohol for a week.  Knowing i cant have it makes me want it so much more.  Than again, isn't it always the way?!?!  However, giving up chemicals has been going really well.  I barely even think about them.  Just ganj and shrooms, ganj and shrooms.
My beautiful new baby hamster, M-J (short for guess what!!!) is the tits.  She climbs all over her cage and just chucks herself off stuff.  She's fucking awesome.  And she likes sitting in my pocket which (i'm sure i'm alone in feeling) is really cool.
It is now 6:38 .  I have been listening to radio 4 for about an hour now and i've heard a debate about the conditions and wellbeing of chicken on farms, listening to their intellectual and pseudo-amusing remarks on politics (bless the beeb for trying to be humerous. lol), heard an interview with a welsh farmer (i did not sit in the kitchen on my own repeating words out loud in an attempt to be able to do a good welsh accent by the time my housemates and the hotty in my room wake up.
Getting evicted is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I now live in a huge room with an ensuite that i share with my baby, there's jim downstairs, becka, nicky and helen (whose boyf practically lives here) and me and sy on the middle floor, pat and panda (who practically lives here too) and paul on the top floor. we all toke.  we have sofas in our garden. we have certain foliage being grown in our attic, we have our own non-laun-fucking-drette washing machine...it's the sickest thing in the world.
i think i'm a little hysterical.  Lack of sleep perhaps.
He interrupted a dream where i was trying to steal this tin of chopped tomatoes that, for some reason, was about 5 times the size of me.

To wake and find you still lain there
Embalmed in yellow morning light,
I rise up from your naked chest,
Closing the curtains, feigning light.
I turn and gaze upon your eyes,
Lids flutter in the grip of sleep
And laying my hand on your heart,
Bestow to you my soul to keep.

Tranz-Mission on saturday...i think im gonna cum. It's going to be sick. Mmm...pills and speed, that'll keep me going from 8pm til 6am.

Gonna get extensions and dreads in a couple of weeks. buff and zoom.

Now i've got my vert labret done:
  (15 piercings and 2 tattoos all told) im saving for two more tattoos and venoms which are going to look sick. That will bring it to 17 and 4. Sweet. 21 mods...cant argue with that.

I miss brean. I still love her and hate that she's practically cut me out of her life. I guess i deserve it though. SAVAGE.
Got a new house to move into, fucking eviction has put a right spanner in my easter holiday plans.

so, life is crazy. it's official.

*  kd dying made me feel really fucked up. at 17 and with so much going for him is seems so unjust, i still cant really get my head around it. how can that be fair or even justified? i never used to think there was a god and now i know there isnt. at the spot where he died everyone has put cans of beer and packets of cigarettes, all full. sounds dumb but i think that is the nicest thing that could have been done for him, that and the rave his parents organised for after the funeral.

*  me and brean...fuck. never saw that one coming. we lasted almost six months and it was so much fun and i loved her and for ages things just seemed to work, but the long distance thing was just too difficult and too unbearable. i woke up one morning and i realised she just wasnt part of my life anymore and i think that might just have been once of the saddest things i have ever had to deal with.

*  eviction...ahem...yeah. Me, sy, erin, ben and 'phoar' tor got fucked, naked and set off a fire extinguisher at sy's old flat in suffolk terrace (there are videos, pictures and now a 'naked apreciation society' that sprung from the whole ordeal.). sy's dick head flat mates (i want to cut off all their heads and rape the open wounds) called security. long and short of it, i had a meeteing with the uni's seniour disceplinary officer and i'm getting fined £75 for setting off the extinguisher, £15 for causing a nuisance (what the fuck?!?!?! just cos the security guard found it difficult to talk to me while i was asking him what he thought of my nipple piercings) and IM GETTING EVICTED. D-day is 28th of march...where in hell am i going to live!?!?!?! SHIT.

*  anymawho, there is a beautiful boy asleep on my bed. never saw that once coming! the one guy in all the world i could ever love or be attracted to and i get to have sex with him like 20 times a day. i would say 'he's the only good thing ive got going' but ihe's the only thing i need and that look he gives me and the goosebumps i get when he tells me he loves me by drawing a heart on my neck with his finger.

so, i got bored, i was desperate to do anything other than my work, dunno if my hawk is thick enough for it to look good though. i need to get the sides trimmed that's for sure. thinking of dying the tips of my hawk and my fringe bright purple. dunno though. something has to happen to it soon because i cant see in the new year with it looking like that!

'the ketamine kids' is coming along nicely. there are the beginnings of a vaguely structured chronology of events, with a somewhat insightful first person narrative that is (currently) consistant throughout.
brean is coming tomorrow. i can't sleep. she hasnt seen the second tattoo in the flesh (as it were) yet so that should be interesting.
gonna buy some new tapers and tunnels for my ears now that my money has fucking finally come through, and some new socks so i can so more impressive poi shiznay.

so, stuff that's happened to me recently.
um..i met pendulum last wednesday, got another tattoo on friday, joined circus society on sunday and am now becoming a poi master.
everyone should go and see pendulum live. seen them twice in the space of a month. fucking safe.
met several dealers at uni (one 2 flats away who likes my hair and ticks me shit, fucking safe.)
s'all about red bar, fuck you non-smokers.
it's also all about going to the square after closing time and doing fire poi, watching si do fire staff and countless currently nameless hippy circus members do things like diabolo. mmm.
i have spent all my money. base.
will and i have a routine, one bottle of jacob's creek shiraz cabernet a night keeps the doctor away. do it.
i advise everyone to stay far away from 'the tunnel' by william h gass, it's absolute gash. nazi sympathising, misogynistic bullshit.
i'm stretching my ears, thats kind of a new and painful thing. s'buff though.
i never get ID'd now which is safe, though im sure i still look about 12.
some girls in the pub said that due to my appearance they thought i might beat them up. i laughed in their faces. i dont think that helped. it was only because it seemed to absolutely absurd.
its also all about the lgbt events. i have come to conclude that i might not be as ugly as i first thought...still not pretty but not THAT ugly.
all traces of the old me are gone. new music, new hair, new image, new girlfriend (relatively), new place, new friends, newly discovered alcoholism, new attitude and beliefs...ah! this post-existential crisis bliss.

mdma saves the soul. peace out.

where the fuck did my life go? and when the fuck did all this happen?

I havent slept in three days, i feel like i'm about to keel over and die and i miss her something awful.
But...I have never been so content in my life.
Sara's 18th yesterday was fucking mad, with about six of us squished around the edge of the bath (Skipsy's and Egg's respectively) dangling out feet in having a spliff while everyone else seemed to be running round on jokes missions.
Was definately memorable, partially because everyone seemed to be topless by about 3 in the morning at which point we didnt even know how young the night was!...the joys of not sleeping on pills.
Egg looked so hot in her little bro's action man outfit, i swear that girls actually looks like a playboy bunny.
Brean's gone away...savage...she left me Vagas though. <3. She sounds so buff on the radio, makes me feel really proud.
We went on a 'family' outing at some rediculous hour this morning, simon, sophie, sara and me gerning in the morning and there was mist over everything and no people and it was awsome.
My jaw is killing like a bitch.
Womad on Thursday...that's like 2 days away! I need to sort stuff out.
If i do my mohican before i go and used like half a can and bring the rest with me...it might stay up all weekend right? probably not...but i'll try. Lost the bleach so cant dye it for festival...savage.
Safe that i'm not like uber fat anymore, people yesterday said i looked really nice...syvia needs to stop staring at me, given the 'family' always look out for me and multiple thank you's for the multiple diversions and escapes made through out the evening. Hehe, bless simon coming over all protective. Loves you guys.
Thursday til monday is going to be heaven. Found out Anoushka Shankar is doing a set...nice!
No bed is going to be a bit base but totally bearable!
I've started getting fucking nose bleeds again and really bad head aches after i do lines. it's kinda worrying. it's not like i can go see a doctor though. savage.
Tongue piercing moved til 15th august but i'm thinking it would be better to get it done now, while she's on holiday so it will be healed when she gets back. i dunno.
I love that i can use up so much space without even saying anything of real worth.
I've been writing again recently, Harper Lee brought it out of me. 1984 is becoming a grind just because i can see Gormenghast out of the corner of my eye and i fucking love it and want to read it again but i've still got like 50 pages left. I know its stupid because if i got down to it i could finish it today but i just can't be bothered which is awful and something i'd never have thought i would say about a book but there you go. I guesss thats the problem when you read something because you feel you ought to and not because you really want to a la Mervyn Peake.
I'm just rambling now. I need to go and sleep, preferably for about 2 days and then wake up and be all revitalised for Womad.

"you're beautiful when the lights are out
but when you leave me room that's when you fade,
fade to bruised through black and green and blue all used.
we couldnt choose, we couldnt choose.
you followed him around, we thought you were inseperable,
and now look what you found, you're nothing but impressionable.
far be it from me to be the messenger,
you could have found out on your own.
it's not my place to judge, place blame or label you
you can do that on your own, i'm sure...
you did before."

* summer holidays fucking rock. bare gigglies and good times, bare.
* i have the bestest mates in the world and the bestest girl in the world
* we have the bestest parties...joe's is gonna be fucking tick.
* i've cut down on how many fags (hehe) and spliffs i smoke, though am as yet unsuccessful in curbing all habits.
* lauren...leavers ball...that was the best fucking night EVER! [shout out to jo for getting fucked before she even got there, that winnersh lot know how to do it in style and to tom wilson for telling me i was his favorite lesbian tortured soul...dunno about the tortured soul bit but that man is sooooo adorable]
* i no longer have to come home...ever! the constrictive ban has been lifted...officially and irrevocably. havent been home properly, properly, properly since my last exam and i fucking love it! woop.
* womad in a matter of days...well, like 2 and a half weeks. but hey.
* can't believe hayley's going to mongolia for a month, s'pretty crazy. i wish for her sake that helena liked her, it's savage, bless. * cant believe kapin got her tongue pierced on a monster whim! safe! i'm getting mine done in like a week. fuck yeah. (piercing craving combined with the feeling of becoming increasingly hardcore is driving me a bit loopy, though i'm running out of places to pierce...tattoo's in Brighton on my b'day. abi wants to take me on a gay bluc crawl...woo!)
* everything seems exciting and i have that feeling of invincibility that the beginning of the summer, good weather and 'buff ting' social events gives me.

who managed to flirt their way into getting their money changed from bits of metal into bits of paper....that would be me!

i feel like a master of the gay today.

the conversation went a little something like this...

woman at till (for future simplicitity, 'w.a.t.'): can i help you?
me: um, yes actually, i was wondering if you could change some money for me?
w.a.t.: i'm really sorry but we're not supposed to. dont really know why. sorry.
me: oh okay, dont worry about it. only, i went to the bank and they wouldnt do it either so do you know where i might be able to get it changed? (looking very folorn and with that begging-for-sympathy look)
w.a.t.: well, i know how annoying it is...*told me a small and uninteresting story about a similar thing happening to her at the post office in aldershot* i would love to help.
me: i know you would but i dont want to get you in trouble or anything over ten pounds. no worries. thanks anyway.*gives the impression that she is about to leave*
w.a.t.: do you know what, my manager wont even know.
me: i really dont want to get you in trouble, really. it's fine.
w.a.t.:it's okay, honestly.
me:well, thanks, that's really nice *leaning perhaps a little inappropriately against the counter*

post money counting...
w.a.t.:there you go.
me:thank you so much. that was really nice, and very sneaky *maybe sporting the gay naughty face at the time...maybe not!*
w.a.t.: its totally fine, dont worry about it. if you need any more then bring it by and i'll change it for you.

woop woop for flirting with cashiers to get what you want!
*felt somewhat more attractive than usual at the time*
i got another coke chucked at me today by the chavs cos of my hair. it's kinda funny.
so many people (inluding myself) like it that i dont really care anymore.
ho hum.
bizarre day.
i have the shakes again.
i bumped into lauren which was good. i have friday's speech all planned out. it's not so much a speech as a hurried, inarticulate confession after which i imagine myself fleeing from the room and perhaps even as far as cambodia.
i know friday is 'flim day' but i didnt think it would come this fast.
talking of coming fast and by the by...ten minutes is not my idea of sex!
flim confessions...ah! the joy. the Flim List so far consists of lauren, abi, becky (who i intend to tell face to face this time), robyn and lorna. i think that will leave enough traumatised straight girls by friday afternoon for me to consider it a most productive day.

i feel like the very epitome of a confuzzled teenager and i don't like it.
s'peculiar.
i feel emotionally vulnerable because i finally let myself really feel and now i just feel weak and pathetic.
i left myself emotionally exposed and now i don't really know what to do.
i have decided i don't like it when people know what i'm thinking or feeling because it makes me feel like they will use it to hurt me. i have little faith in people it seems.
i feel very alone again. is that an emo thing to say? fuck it.
i do too many drugs. i can feel my mental agility more and more closely resembling an arthritic old man trying to do fancy gymnastics.
i fuck the wrong people too much. preocupying myself with the physical lets me fool myself into thinking i dont emotionally need other people.
i want to get my tattoo soon. i think the pain might stop me feeling sorry for myself.
lots of things remind me of her and i dont think i like it. maybe i should just disconnect myself completely before i get any more involved and go back to 'that' emotional place and find myself there very much alone...as would unfortunately inevitably happen and is looming around the corner.
i want an oscar. bosie isn't complete without oscar, everyone knows this.
i am a petulant child who just wants someone to take care of her. i just want someone to love me. what can i say, i like to preocupy my dreams with the impossible.
i want to move out of this house and away from these people. they are not like me and they tell me they don't want to understand me because i'm not emotionally happy and i will drag them down.
they still tell me i'm fat and i thought i was getting a lot better. i need to lose another stone.
i dont like feeling in control, maybe thats why i do things.
i need to stop being so melodramatic.
i need to stop bothering people with my problems...hence recent 'livejournalism'.
arms are too bait, hips are too awkward, stomach works.